My Experiences with Internet Pornography
What is addiction?
Dr. Gabor Mate defines addiction as any behavior in which a person finds temporary relief or pleasure and therefore craves, but that in the long term causes them or others negative consequences, and yet the person refuses or is unable to give it up.
With Gabor’s definition of addiction in mind, have you ever had an addiction in your life?
Have you ever used food, sex, work, tv, the internet, overspending, people pleasing, alcohol, caffeine, or procrastination to escape, numb your emotional pain, or soothe yourself?
I certainly have.
In the last 17 years, many men and women have shared their struggles with numbing out emotional pain. One of the most common and least talked about ways is with internet pornography. Many of these individuals have over a decade of recovery from drugs and alcohol but still have struggled to stop watching pornography. Why? For some, it’s due to sexual trauma in their past. For others, it’s a way to find pleasure, arousal, or cope with stress, boredom, or tension. For most, it’s how widely available and accessible pornographic content is on their cell phone, tablet, or computer. Add in the highly addictive nature of present-day internet pornography, and things start to make sense. Over time, those massive hits of dopamine you’re experiencing when watching porn (similar to a hit of cocaine) can lower your baseline dopamine, which may eventually lead to issues such as depression, anxiety, and low esteem.
Let’s check out some stats about internet pornography:
Today, porn sites receive more website traffic in the U.S. than Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Netflix, Pinterest, and Zoom combined.
One porn site alone gets more visitors per site than Netflix and Amazon.
1 in 5 mobile searches are for pornography.
For adults, an estimated 91.5% of men and 60.2% of women report that they’ve consumed porn in the past month.
According to a study published in the Journal of Adolescent Research, about half (49%) of young adult women agree that viewing pornography is an acceptable way of expressing one’s sexuality.
74 percent of men who report having watched pornography in the past 24 hours say they have felt self-conscious or insecure in the past week.
56% of divorces involved one party having “an obsessive interest in pornographic websites.”
A nationally representative estimate of U.S. youths (ages 14 to 18) exposed to pornography: 84.4% of males and 57% of females.
The first exposure to pornography among men is 12 years old, on average.
Do these stats surprise you?
What do you suppose internet pornography does to a child’s brain development?
I started watching internet pornography at 11 years old. My curiosity eventually led me to escapism and secrecy. When I was angry, stressed, depressed, frustrated, or feeling less than, I could find temporary relief with internet porn. In adulthood, I would stop at times. I could go 400+ days, but eventually, I would come back. One of the primary reasons I kept coming back was not addressing the root cause.
At the source was the shame about my body. Hurtful comments as a child and teenager stuck to my nervous system, mind, and body like glue. Like when I played football, and the team captain said, “You’re so skinny,” or the time swimming in high school when a boy mentioned how boney my chest looked. I created a story and script I subconsciously repeated that I lacked safety in my body and that I could easily be hurt. I would dissociate from my body and feelings. Numbing out with internet porn was one of my methods to relieve the unresolved emotions.
It was not until I admitted that internet porn negatively impacted my mental, relational, and emotional health that I could start the deeper work.
Below is a list of what I’ve found helpful in abstaining from internet pornography.
Here’s what’s helped me:
Sharing with safe people Hiring a coach Trauma-informed therapy Deep inner work Meaningful social connections No television after 9:00 PM Books about tantra and internet porn addiction Courses on sexual self-mastery 90-day reboot Self-care Sleeping well Eating well A morning routine Night time rituals Using a daily planner Tracking goals and habits Doing things that make me feel supported, connected, joyful, grateful Doing things outside my comfort zone daily Compassionate inner dialoguing with my feelings and beliefs Self-compassion and forgiveness Cold showers and cold plunges Self-regulation techniques like breathing, mindfulness, prayer, and meditation Daily walks and movement Stretching Jiu-jitsu
The benefits of stopping have been better mental health, more energy, confidence, less anxiety and depression, self-discipline, and more positive risk-taking. Increased confidence leads to better decisions and gets me out of my comfort zone, benefiting my relationships and business. I seek more social connections with friends and peers. I laugh more and show my humor without being afraid of being rejected or embarrassed.
This post is not to judge someone's behavior as shameful or wrong, nor is it to judge porn performers. I’ve seen articles on how internet porn can enhance physical and mental health and the alternatives, such as “ethical porn.” Maybe internet porn is considered “normal” and healthy today. But I intend to illuminate how mainstream internet pornography impacts our children, relationships, attention, energy, and feelings about ourselves. It’s to point out that “the most obvious, ubiquitous, important realities are often the ones hardest to talk about.” (The Myth of Normal) What appears to be “normal” and seldom talked about in our society must be addressed and brought out of the shadow to light. I choose to be vulnerable and share my experience so we can start to bring awareness and initiate safe conversations.
What are your thoughts?
Sources and Resources:
https://fightthenewdrug.org/by-the-numbers-see-how-many-people-are-watching-porn-today/
https://enough.org/stats-youth-and-porn
https://www.covenanteyes.com/pornstats/
https://ifstudies.org/blog/how-prevalent-is-pornography
https://bookauthority.org/books/best-sexual-addiction-books
https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/fullarticle/1874574
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1743609515334354?via%3Dihub
https://www.utahvalleypsychology.com/pornography-addiction-science-fact-or-science-fiction-2/
https://blockerx.net/blog/dopamine-and-porn/
https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/relevant-research-and-articles-about-the-studies/dopamine-receptors/
https://drhollyrichmond.com/services-2/
#addiction #shame #porn #pornography #askforhelp #sex #sexaddiction #dopamine #dysmorphia #gabormate #themythofnormal #shadow #light #emotional #pain #soothe #stats #abnormal #didyouknow #relief
Two Steps to Overcoming Fear
Fear has been a dominating factor throughout my life. My first fear was the fear of abandonment. My father was addicted to alcohol and left when I was four years old. My coping mechanism was sucking my thumb. There is nothing wrong with thumbsucking as a toddler, but at eight years old, I still did it every day. My kindergarten teacher wanted to keep me back a year because of my thumbsucking. It was getting out of control. But it brought me ease and comfort, and I would hide it. I was a functioning thumbsucker.
Original Article from FacingAddiction.org
“Feel the fear and do it anyway.” — Dr. Susan Jeffers
Fear has been a dominating factor throughout my life. My first fear was the fear of abandonment. My father was addicted to alcohol and cocaine and left when I was four years old. My coping mechanism for the pain was sucking my thumb. There is nothing wrong with thumbsucking as a toddler, but at eight years old, I still did it every day. My kindergarten teacher wanted to keep me back a year because of my incessant thumbsucking. It was getting out of control. But it brought me ease and comfort, and I would hide it. I was a functioning thumbsucker.
Sucking your thumb as an 8-year-old is hard work. You have to escape being seen by friends and big brothers. My brothers would constantly harass me about it. They told me my thumb was going to fall off. But I couldn’t stop doing it. I didn’t know how else to cope with my emotions. Eventually, the pain of embarrassment caused me to stop.
The same emotional pattern affected me as a young adult when I started using drugs and alcohol a decade or so later.
Drugs and alcohol became a solution to my pain, trauma, and fears. Why did I do some of the things I did? Much of it can be broken down to fear. Not healthy fear, like when you’re faced with life and death decisions. I’m talking about everyday fear that brings about feelings of extreme self-doubt, low self-worth, worry, and anxiety.
“Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” -Jack Canfield
When I was 22 years old, my fear of abandonment was back again. This time, it was because I spent the $200 my brother sent me to get me home from Orlando, Florida. The second time he had sent me money in two weeks. I intended to use this money to escape the addicted hell in which I was living, but I couldn’t stop using cocaine and opioids. I was fortunate to be sent money a third time as I made the 20+ hour drive back to New Hampshire.
About a week or so of being home from Florida, I was arrested for federal felonies due to my addiction to synthetic opiates. Being arrested created many new fears. Fear of the future. Fear of being a criminal. Fear of losing my freedom. Fear of staying sober. Fear of prison. Fear of not being able to get a job.
Then I had a fear of going to 12-Step meetings which I was required to attend. Especially young people’s meetings. Even after being in recovery for a few years, I was terrified to go. It felt like high school all over again, at least in my mind. Fear doesn’t go away because you’re living in recovery. You still have to deal with the fear you were hoping to avoid your whole life. I wore a mask for years at meetings and around people, acting as though I was comfortable in my own skin.
“Remember your dreams and fight for them. You must know what you want from life. There is just one thing that makes your dream become impossible: the fear of failure.”- Paulo Coelho
I even stayed in the same job for eight years because I was afraid of what would happen if I tried to get another job. Who would want to hire a felon? My options seemed extremely limited. I would work during the day and attend college at night. I eventually got my degree and bought my first home in recovery. These were significant milestones since I assumed my felonies would keep me stuck. But now I had to face the reality of paying a mortgage.
Money problems motivated me to face the reality of having felonies. I applied to a Fortune 15 company. I put the details of what had happened in my application where it asked, “Were you ever arrested?”
During phone interviews, I shared everything. I told them about my problem past issue with OxyContin and other substances; I told them my whole recovery story. Probably way too much. But the fact of the matter is that I had been in living in recovery for eight years at this point, doing the next right thing. I had nothing to hide and nothing to lose. And I wanted nothing coming back to bite me if they did hire me.
I got the job. There was a new hope for my life. But now, new fears arose. I had the fear of being found out and the fear of success. But these were fears I could handle, at least for now.
Fear had been there all along. It was debilitating at times. But I discovered that most of the things I feared never happened. Today, when there’s fear, it’s usually an indication that I need to slow down and go inwards. It’s uncomfortable at first, but the fear is gone.
In the past, I would not share my fears, because I was afraid of appearing weak. I never asked for help. I just stuffed fear away and moved on. But the fear never went away. How do I face my fears in recovery? I ask questions. I seek counsel from people and mentors who can help. I meditate and ask for guidance.
2 Steps to Overcoming Fear in Recovery
“He who is not everyday conquering some fears has not learned the secret of life.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson
1. Forgive Yourself
“Forgiveness is freedom”
Write down, “I forgive myself for having xxxx fear.” Take 10 minutes sitting quietly in stillness, breathing in peace and breathing out fear. Let go of the shame and quit punishing yourself for having the fear. Ask for help and find a recovery friend you can share your fears with. We all have fears, even people who don’t struggle with addiction. Practice self-compassion and the act of forgiving yourself every day. It’s all part of the journey of self-discovery and personal growth.
I found that nothing in my life is wasted, not the good or the bad.
It all gets used in some way; usually, in a way, that benefits someone else.
2. Take Action
Make a list of your top 3–5 fears. Then get out there and take action to confront your first fear. Be curious and ask questions. You’d be surprised by how many people struggle with the same fears you do. Get someone to keep you accountable like a life coach or a mentor.
And finally, when you face a fear, make sure you celebrate. Anchor in the win by getting a massage, booking a trip, or buying something nice for yourself.
I’ve decided to face all of my fears in recovery.
To live a life without regrets. Who knows? It might just work out. The more I face fear; the more my life seems to expand. I used to ask myself the question, “How many opportunities have I missed out on throughout my life due to fear?”
Now, I ask myself “How will overcoming this fear benefit myself and the people I serve?”
When we change the questions we ask ourselves; we change our lives.
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Faced With Prison, I Jumped Into Action And Got Real About Recovery
My next addiction was thanks to high-speed internet. At 11 years old, I found myself hooked to a computer screen playing online games. During this time, I discovered the world of online pornography. This addiction affected many of my relationships and kept me isolated. My high school years were tough times. The pressure to fit in and feel a part of did not sit well with me. I played sports for about two years but I eventually quit them all. My social anxiety continued to grow and I would cope by spending most of my time getting lost in a fantasy world on the computer...
It all started with thumbsucking: my first coping mechanism to deal with emotional pain. At 8 years old, I was sucking my thumb and then hiding it whenever I could. I was a functioning thumb sucker. Eventually the pain of embarrassment from those around me got to be so great I stopped.
My next addiction was thanks to high-speed internet. At 11 years old, I found myself hooked to a computer screen playing online games. During this time, I discovered the world of online pornography. This addiction affected many of my relationships and kept me isolated. My high school years were tough times. The pressure to fit in and feel a part of did not sit well with me. I played sports for about two years but I eventually quit them all. My social anxiety continued to grow and I would cope by spending most of my time getting lost in a fantasy world on the computer.
When it came time to think about college, I had little motivation. I got accepted to a small college out of state and decided to go. Up to this point, I barely drank and rarely engaged in drugs. That was about to change. During my first few months of college, I started drinking and getting high on a regular basis.
I hit many jackpots that first semester. I was arrested for open container by a state trooper. I failed all of my classes and I even got caught for plagiarism. I flunked out of school and made my way back to the seacoast with my mom. My addiction to drugs and alcohol was in full effect but it was about to reach another level.
I arrived home from work one night to discover my father had passed away as a direct result of his years of heavy drinking. He had left home when I was 3 years old and never returned. Even though I had no contact with my father, his passing marked a new stage of my addiction. I turned to much harder drugs. I even found a way to order prescription pain meds on the internet. It wasn’t long before I found myself in a very bad spot. Hundreds of pills were being consumed in short periods of time. I had planned to “escape” this addiction by moving to Florida. But about 2 weeks before leaving, I was arrested. To my surprise they let me go and off to Florida I went.
I had planned to turn my life around in Florida. On the drive down, I was already getting high. Once again in a short period of time, I found myself at death’s doorstep. I pawned my belongings. I gave away my social security number. I hit another bottom.
I made my way back to New Hampshire and within a few days I was arrested once again. Ordering pills to support my habit had eventually caught up to me. I was now facing 7 years in federal prison. It was surreal in many ways. I asked myself what had happened. Addiction had taken its toll.
The fear of spending close to a decade in prison changes a person. Awaiting trial, I jumped head first into action. The judge did not order rehab; my prescription was to work full time, attend drug and alcohol therapy, and attend 12-step meetings. But I started to take even more action. I journaled every day. I read and memorized affirmations to help me battle my mind which I needed because I was experiencing panic attacks on a regular basis. I kept doing the next right thing every day. Eventually the time came and I did not end up going to federal prison. I did end up with federal felonies.
I was determined not to let my past define my future. I worked hard for my recovery through helping others, 12-step work, and personal growth. A time finally came when I had to face the fear and apply for a new job. I applied to a fortune 15 company. The application said, “Where you ever arrested?” I typed in my charges. On my first phone interview, I told them everything. I had nothing to lose. I was 8 years in recovery; I had purchased my first home and I graduated with a bachelor’s degree in psychology. I told them about my addiction to OxyContin and various substances. I probably told them to much. But I knew I did not want anything coming back to me later on if they somehow were to hire me.
After being asked the same questions about my arrest in a second phone interview and a face to face meeting, I got the job. I literally felt unstoppable.
And indeed, I never did stop. I eventually won the highest award my company had to offer: an all-expenses paid trip to Switzerland for 5 days. I took my best friend Pete along with me whom I had met in recovery. I eventually got my master’s degree in mental health counseling. I spent 100’s of hours reading and engaging in my own personal development. I recently decided to leave my 9-5 job and pursue my own mission. I started Entrepreneurs in Recovery, my mission to help people in recovery reach their full potential through personal development and entrepreneurship. I want to show people the positive side of recovery. You can create the life you want in recovery. And I’m not alone. Many of my closest friends are in recovery and we work together to make our dreams a reality. We can’t do this alone. On December 18, 2017, I celebrated 12 years in recovery.
Article from RyanHampton.org
Learn more at www.JesseHarless.com